Saturday, January 5, 2013

Sandi Bridge, here we come!

Me: I'd come, but in the state we're in, we might do a Thelma & Louise. U: I'm too tired, u drive.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Nice Try

I threw a blanket on top of my bedspread to keep it clean of all of the things my cats don't want in their fur-- stickers, fur balls, leaves , flea matter, etc. I thought they would enjoy its soft comfy-ness, and think it was "special".
I did not know that it was made of cat repellent--rats* or that it had cooties-- double rats**

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Own the Cute

A Retailer's Shopping Tip-- When getting your shop on, bring your fashion wingman with the best sense of fun. Sad frumpy friends need love too, but retail therapy should lift you up not drag you under the bus. Mouse needs a shoulder, but leave her home when trolling for fashion. Or better yet--drop her off at therapy and get it on. Just sayin'. Be your cute self, it makes the world funner.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Angry Open Letter to Purina

Dear aka: Cat Drug Cartel;

Really? Like we wouldn't catch on? How could we not know that you put crack in your wet cat food?

 I'm super mad about this--  My cats are normally good cats. Quiet, subdued, introspective, self centered.

My dinnertime "here kitty, kitty, kitty" would get a respectable response-- unless they were asleep or busy doing cat stuff, like sleeping. 
Yes-- before they were good cats.

Exhibit A: Relaxed Cat
Exhibit B:   Laissez-fair Cat

THEN- Frankie got a toothache and dinnertime was torture time when he chewed his food-- and I got the brilliant idea he needed soft cat food ... so I purchased some of your Purina "Friskies". 

 ~Here is my first clue.  Friskies is code for Cat Crack.  The first time I opened a can they turned into Exhibit C.

Exhibit C: Cat Crack Party House

It is not just my cats, Mr. Purina....I think you are responsible for making a culture of cats super stupid. 

Exhibit D: Hip Cat Meme on the Internet

 What is this sad cat saying?

 "Why you takes my paws away"

Speak proper American kitty grammar here. 

Personally, I think this cat is addicted to Friskies. 

Step up, Purina and take the crack out of the cat drugs you pawn off as Feline Nutrition .

Case Dismissed...or closed, whatever.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Snap Off, Betty

I love my job-- working retail offers a front row view into a quirky brew of life-- a sea of characters that you cannot make up. I dig them all-- some more than others. Here is a fruity cocktail from Friday afternoon...

Customer code name: Sassy approaches the register with a bridge set -- she is pushing 80, dressed in zebra pants, zebra necklace, zebra earrings and zebra purse--and crackle nail polish ).

Me:  Well, hello! Those are some mighty cute bridge cards you have chosen-- can I ring them up for you?

Sassy: Yesss! It's hard to find extra jumbo size bridge cards, I'll take these. I need some for when Betty comes over to play bridge-- she is a nice girl, but I hide my good cards when she plays with us.

Me:  Oh, really? tell me more...(and don't leave anything out).

Sassy:  WELL... Betty is a card snapper. When she has a great card-- she will hold it in both hands, bending it all up,  massaging and hiding it at the same time--  like somebody is looking over her shoulder and they might rip it out of her hand and steal her big damn victory...
then right before she pops-- she "snaps" down the card on the table to accentuate the point that she is the world's most awesome bridge player in America.

Me:  Oh--- sort of like spiking the football, right?

Sassy:  Exactly!! Plus she ruins my damn card! I'll take these-- for when Betty comes over.

This is not Betty, I hired a professional model to protect her identity.

Fernando, the Most Interesting Tree in the World

Senior year, my closest friend was a tree.

In my defense, this is no ordinary run of the mill tree, it was ginormous. This tree looked even bigger because it stood in a teeny front yard . There was a nice brick wall behind it, framed by a Spanish style iron gate.

Fernando the tree was very handsome, and did I mention ginormous? He was a bit standoffish but this made him all the more mysterious to me.

I spent many hours sitting high in his branches.  I carried most of the conversation because he was so damn cool and aloof.

We had something special-- alas the neighborhood found it weird, I know this because I overheard my mom saying that the neighbor thought I was a spooky kid. Tree haters.

Recently my folks and I were driving in our old neighborhood and spun by the place so I could "see my old buddy".

 I'm not sure if he remembered me-- couldn't really tell. Same old Fernando, playing it close to the chest.

Prom 1977
 I'll save the last dance for you, Fernando...