Snap Off, Betty

I love my job-- working retail offers a front row view into a quirky brew of life-- a sea of characters that you cannot make up. I dig them all-- some more than others. Here is a fruity cocktail from Friday afternoon...

Customer code name: Sassy approaches the register with a bridge set -- she is pushing 80, dressed in zebra pants, zebra necklace, zebra earrings and zebra purse--and crackle nail polish ).

Me:  Well, hello! Those are some mighty cute bridge cards you have chosen-- can I ring them up for you?

Sassy: Yesss! It's hard to find extra jumbo size bridge cards, I'll take these. I need some for when Betty comes over to play bridge-- she is a nice girl, but I hide my good cards when she plays with us.

Me:  Oh, really? tell me more...(and don't leave anything out).

Sassy:  WELL... Betty is a card snapper. When she has a great card-- she will hold it in both hands, bending it all up,  massaging and hiding it at the same time--  like somebody is looking over her shoulder and they might rip it out of her hand and steal her big damn victory...
then right before she pops-- she "snaps" down the card on the table to accentuate the point that she is the world's most awesome bridge player in America.

Me:  Oh--- sort of like spiking the football, right?

Sassy:  Exactly!! Plus she ruins my damn card! I'll take these-- for when Betty comes over.

This is not Betty, I hired a professional model to protect her identity.

Fernando, the Most Interesting Tree in the World

Senior year, my closest friend was a tree.

In my defense, this is no ordinary run of the mill tree, it was ginormous. This tree looked even bigger because it stood in a teeny front yard . There was a nice brick wall behind it, framed by a Spanish style iron gate.

Fernando the tree was very handsome, and did I mention ginormous? He was a bit standoffish but this made him all the more mysterious to me.

I spent many hours sitting high in his branches.  I carried most of the conversation because he was so damn cool and aloof.

We had something special-- alas the neighborhood found it weird, I know this because I overheard my mom saying that the neighbor thought I was a spooky kid. Tree haters.

Recently my folks and I were driving in our old neighborhood and spun by the place so I could "see my old buddy".

 I'm not sure if he remembered me-- couldn't really tell. Same old Fernando, playing it close to the chest.

Prom 1977

 I'll save the last dance for you, Fernando...